Keeping Up the Good Work Through Grief, a Breakup and Not Having an Apartment

how I'm moving through a hard year

Switching things up this week with an essay but there is an abridged Unplugged In at the end of this piece. Will have a full Unplugged In for you next week. <33

Being an entrepreneur/freelancer is a pretty sweet deal. I can take my work with me from Cassis to Kefalonia to California without interrupting my regularly scheduled programming. I don’t have to take time off for a mid-day hot yoga class or an errand I’ve put off until the absolute last minute.

When life is going smoothly, I rarely have any complaints about my career choice. I can easily work extra expenses like health care, taxes and paid time off into the prices I charge my clients and with no salary cap, most months I’m left with more than enough to save for a rainy day.

But being disciplined and a good worker is a non-negotiable when you’re working contract to contract. If you take too many afternoons off or stop networking with potential clients, you’ll find yourself in a lot more famines than feasts.

So while I don’t consider myself the most disciplined person in the world (see: my on and off meditation practice, the perpetual pile of clothes on the chair in my bedroom and the lack of posts on the Unplugged In instagram 🙄), I’ve been able to keep my business going for more than five years without a hitch—until now.

A year ago, some family stress hit me harder than I expected when my mom’s boyfriend revealed his problematic relationship with alcohol. Then, in June, my yiayia (one of my closest confidantes and biggest supporters) passed away a few weeks after her 100th birthday.

And lastly, after a busy summer of playing work catch up following a few weeks sans work in June, I broke up with my boyfriend of five and half years. Besides leaving the relationship, I also have had to trade in my apartment of two years for my friends’ pull out couches and air mattresses until I secure a long-term place to stay.

Sooo I’ve been very off my game and my work is suffering because of it. The easiest of tasks like networking and posting on social media feel impossibly time consuming and hard. And work ends up taking a back seat to tasks like finding an apartment and—if I’m being honest—rotting on the couch. (My motivation has slipped from 100 to 25.)

As a staunch opponent to complainers, woe is me’s and negative nelly’s of all kinds, going through it feels frustrating, disorienting, sad and (as the annoying marketer in me would say) off-brand. Usually being infuriatingly positive, finding the bright side of the dingiest day and trusting that everything always works out for the best is just my natural personality.

But now that I actually have to work for the good days (and the good mindset), I wanted to share some techniques that have helped me from going absolutely insane as a freelancer—and in general—in this shitty year.

A Delusional Mindset is Better Than a Doomsday One

Being stressed, worried and negative about a situation will in no way make it turn out any better. Those emotions are just going to make a tough situation even more difficult to push through.

Even though it’s been harder than ever to believe the mantras I’ve said to myself for years, I am trying to stay as delulu as possible. I’ve been listening to this (kind of creepy) Neville Goddard meditation every night, visualizing my perfect Parisian apartment and repeating mantras to myself like “It’s never no, it’s only yes, not yet or something better than you asked for.”

If you’re not a manifesting, mood boarding, meditating crazy like me, the delulu mindset might be harder to achieve. But this mindset has gotten me to some pretty insane things including:

• One of three full scholarships for a 3-month trip around the world with Semester at Sea

• Two perfect little, amazingly priced apartments in Normandy

• An all-expenses paid two week trip to Kenya

• A full scholarship to a camp in Greece

• A job as an onset producer with absolutely no video production experience besides making TikToks (everyone else hired for the job had 8-10 years of production experience and resumés that included a film degree at Columbia School of Arts)

I’ve also had a generally very lucky life where I’ve been able to travel to thirty countries and five continents, live in cities all around France, work with big (and biggish) tech brands like Google, Rosetta Stone and Skillshare and have multiple $10K months.

Even if you’re not someone who naturally believes that you are deserving of your dreams and that you get what you want, writing down your past achievements can be really helpful to put things back in perspective. You’ve been lucky before. Why can’t you be again?

I also started a “lucky girl list” in my phone where I write things like “Got whole row to myself on flight home from Denver to DC” and “Got reimbursed for a big Vélib fee.”

It can be really easy to spiral into “everything sucks right now” and “everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong” but reminding myself I’m still very very privileged and lucky and blessed has been helpful.

Make an Action Plan

Being out of control is something I hate most. When life is the most stressful, I will desperately search for some semblance of control. Most of the time I do this in unhealthy ways like picking my split ends and being strict about the food I eat (hello sneaky orthorexia).

So this time around I made myself an action plan so it didn’t feel like I was just waiting for life to work out. The action plan is an important pairing with the delulu mindset. Sitting in your room all day with a positive, abundance mindset isn’t going to get you your dream apartment unless you’re non-stop emailing potential landlords and maybe even shelling out some cash for an apartment hunter.

My fall action plan includes things like:

• Where and when I’m staying at my friends’ places for the next month

• A list of the sites I’m searching for apartments on and the email notifications I have for each

• My deadline for when I’m going to sign up for an apartment hunter (because as a non-French entrepreneur with a name like Calli Zarpas I’m not always the first choice)

• The link to my meditation and Pinterest vision board

• My workout plan

• My work/personal to-do list

Force Yourself to Have Fun (Or Chill)

Right now I don’t feel like doing anything remotely amusing. I don’t want to go to that new dinner spot I’d been meaning to try, go out dancing with my friends or even listen to music on my walks. But I always feel better when I do.

Leaving my boyfriend came with its many reasons but one of the biggest was that I didn’t feel like our lives were wholly compatible. By doing the things I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t been able to has helped me feel way more confident in my tough decision.

Maybe art galleries and tiramisu shots aren’t your thing but try to push yourself to do the things that bring you the most joy. If you’re someone who goes out a lot or does a lot of activities to avoid sitting in your pain, you might need to do the opposite and force yourself to chill and feel. It sucks but it’s better than pushing it down.

Focus on Your Good and Their Bad

Thinking of what you’re grateful for is a tried and true way to feel better. But what really helps me is a three tiered method.

1. First, I think of all the good things in my life like: my family, my friends, the fact that I can get a fresh pain au chocolat any day of the week.

2. Then, I think of all of the good in this world like: the art lining the walls of the Musée d’Orsay, the rich and diverse cultures that cover the globe, all of the cities I’ve yet to visit (Mexico City, Copenhagen, Jaipur), people falling in love, a couple having their first baby after years of infertility, a dog getting adopted after six months in the pound.

3. Finally, focus on the negative side of whatever you’re missing. For example, I visited THE most beautiful apartment that I was sure was destined for me. Thinking about it still pisses me off to no end but I’m trying to convince myself it wasn’t that great anyway.

   The huge private courtyard was right next to the trash cans so it probably would’ve smelled like hell in the only months where you could actually use it. It also could’ve meant flies and rats. The area was also super busy and kind of dirty, which might’ve worn me down after a few months. How many men could I have watched snot rocket onto the sidewalk right before my eyes?

   Plus, it wasn’t the safest neighborhood (someone was murdered in the same building 🙃) so who knows maybe I would’ve faced a similar fate—or just pushed my anxiety to its limits.

This method can work if you lose out on a job opportunity, got dumped by a guy you really like, are missing your ex or your fun weekend plans fell through. I will say this doesn’t work for losing a loved one or pet.

For more intense problems like grief, health issues or sudden financial problems, through is the only way out. Make constructive steps forward, focus on the positive side of the situation and put yourself and your mental health first.

It’s Okay to Cry (And Take the Day Off)

In moments like these you have to choose yourself. It’s better to feel your feelings now at 100% than feel them for double the amount of time at 50% (or have the feeling bubble up in a less than desirable situation). You’re allowed to go through hard times and you’re allowed to let them negatively affect you—but you’ll be back on your feet again soon.

I’ve been keeping my clients updated on my work progress but I’m not pushing myself to be the most successful I can be. It’s okay that this year I’ll probably make less than last year. I’m no longer expecting myself to be the person I was the last few years with everything going on.

Hope this was a little bit helpful if you’re also going through it right now. <3

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I’m going to send a full Unplugged In next week but I didn’t want to leave you *completely* hanging this week so here are a few of my favorite finds from the last two weeks: painter Jonathan Hooper, this recipe for crispy halloumi with buttery sautéed corn, all things Moo Deng, and these handmade ceramic ashtrays a bride gifted to her guests.